10:03 p.m. Just kidding. It probably wasn't even the flu.
I lay in bed for the entire time in the space between now and Thanksgiving. I got up briefly on Monday full of cough syrup thinking that my world was fine, that I could do a full hour of Muay Thai with strength to spare for an entire Chris Brown choreo routine. Literally, 15 seconds worth of steps takes me an hour to learn, and even then it's not that good.
The rest of the time I've been in bed, waking every few hours to hack up one of my lungs or sweat over a hot bowl of pho. I'm the creeper in sweatpants in the corner of the Vietnamese restaurant catching the steam in the brim of my baseball cap. my face looks like a sad dishcloth and my bedhead is obscene.
I'm coming to and wondering what happened to my mind. i feel like it's been inverted and poured out of my head. all my thoughts recently have been preoccuppied with mastering physical tasks. for structure, i've filled my life with extracurriculars; I've been taking fighting classes with Halle Berry's personal trainer and dance training with this guy who toured on stage with Taylor Swift. It's fun. It's exercising a very different and very functional part of your brain, and highlights the magnificent possibilities in L.A. of teachers of that high caliber being perfectly accessible (same is definitely true in the art world).
I watch a lot of hip hop videos on Instagram in my spare time. I mean, that has to be left-brain beneficial to some capacity, right?
But I haven't been reading very much or thinking very much about the kind of art that benefits my actual career. My book deadline was supposed to be tomorrow. Isn't that funny? I've been treating the space between now and my deadline as a kind of care-free break from worry when in reality i should've been working my ass off.
Being a writer is a funny job. You think actors are self centered? My job is me talking, virtually uninterrupted. Imagine thinking your ideas were relevant that you devoted pages and pages to them. Imagine indulging your every sudden whim in the name of fostering your creativity.
I feel very disconnected from Los Angeles in the way I came here to know it, which was to understand the nuances of the art world and to study it as if it were smeared on a pane of glass under a microscope. i feel very very connected to Los Angeles right now as a way of life to enjoy on a day to day basis. To go outside and note that the sky is very blue and that the light is very warm; to speak to men with very low expectations of what they'll be like tomorrow; to bend and stretch your body to respond to the environment—to swim faster, to punch harder, for your limbs to flow flawlessly in sync with a percussive rhythm. the landscape seems much broader now, or that my vision is more far-reaching. That must be what happens when you start losing sight of the minutae in your life.
I met a guy who told me that even though I do meditative things they are not the same as meditation, and I wonder now: who defines what that is? isn't the version that we have in 2018 in the middle of Southern California a strange reinterpretation of something that was created so far removed from where and how we live?
I got in a fight with a guy a few weeks ago about demographic inevitability and in the shower today while I was shampooing my hair, I was staring at the bathroom tiles and thinking, wait demographic inevitability has already happened, but the reason democrats keep losing is a question of distribution. CHECKMATE, BITCH.
I met a guy that I actually really like, I think, but to be honest I think the key to having the most with him is to not pursue anything at all.
I'm coming to terms with the fact that my first book is not going to be a good one. It makes you question whether just having one is really an accomplishment at all. The prospect of being very good at something has always been a fantasy of mine, and more, the prospect of being very good at something COOL was the ultimate dream. Coming to realize that these things are possible through training — you have to devote time to them, you need a guide, you need to practice, and you need to return to it over and over again. Rewarding things are not easy things and easy things are not rewarding things. I mean think about it: why would someone hand you an award for having achieved something easy?
why is the room spinning wtf i am not joking